manish_tomer
New member
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Jumping Santa
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Santa was asked to try out a new parachute with a radio link to a guy on the ground, the guy on the ground would say when to pull the release cord for the parachute.
Santa jumped out of the plane and started to fall when he reached a thousand feet the guy on the ground said ok pull the release cord now, Santa didn't take any notice and kept falling.
He got down to 500 feet and the guy on the ground said quick pull the cord you are getting close, but Santa just ignored him and kept falling.
He got down to 100 feet and the guy on the ground said quick pull the cord, Santa still ignored him.
He got down to 10 feet, the guy on the ground said this is your last chance you'll be killed if you don't pull the cord now.
Santa replied, "Thats ok. I can jump from here!!"
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Wrong bus!
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Santa and Banta are walking home after a night on the piss. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot.
Santa has a brainwave and says to Banta, "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police".
Banta breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Santa is wondering what the hell he's doing.
Eventually Santa sticks his head around the door and sees Banta running from bus to bus and looking very worried.
"What the hell are you doing, get a move on!"
To which Banta replies, "I can't find a number 25B anywhere".
Whereupon Santa, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts, "You idiot, steal a number 27 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!"
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secret of long life
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Three old men were sitting on a bench in a park, when a reporter approached them.
"I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell us your secret to long life," the reporter asked.
The three old men agreed. The first old man was asked his secret to his long life.
"I'm teetotaler, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years."
"Wow, that's really remarkable!" said the reporter. "What's your age?"
"I'm 95," said the man.
The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life.
"I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some."
"And how old are you?" asked the reporter.
"I'm 90," said the old man.
Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life.
"I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day."
"Wow!" said the reporter.
"And how old are you?"
"28," replied the man.
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Beggar's bed
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A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax.
After a while a dirty old beggar came up to her and said, "Good Morning luv, how about us going for a walk together now?"
"How dare you," yelped the woman, "what the hell do you think I am, some sort of cheap pickup?"
"Well then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"
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Ouststanding!
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A man is driving down a country road, when he spots Santa standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.
He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Santa is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to our Santa and asks him, "Ah excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"
Santa replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
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nice excuse
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A fellow bought a new Mercedes on the Christmas eve and was out on the highway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What in the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Christmas eve. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice Christmas," said the officer.
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Jumping Santa
==============
Santa was asked to try out a new parachute with a radio link to a guy on the ground, the guy on the ground would say when to pull the release cord for the parachute.
Santa jumped out of the plane and started to fall when he reached a thousand feet the guy on the ground said ok pull the release cord now, Santa didn't take any notice and kept falling.
He got down to 500 feet and the guy on the ground said quick pull the cord you are getting close, but Santa just ignored him and kept falling.
He got down to 100 feet and the guy on the ground said quick pull the cord, Santa still ignored him.
He got down to 10 feet, the guy on the ground said this is your last chance you'll be killed if you don't pull the cord now.
Santa replied, "Thats ok. I can jump from here!!"
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Wrong bus!
=================
Santa and Banta are walking home after a night on the piss. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot.
Santa has a brainwave and says to Banta, "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police".
Banta breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Santa is wondering what the hell he's doing.
Eventually Santa sticks his head around the door and sees Banta running from bus to bus and looking very worried.
"What the hell are you doing, get a move on!"
To which Banta replies, "I can't find a number 25B anywhere".
Whereupon Santa, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts, "You idiot, steal a number 27 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!"
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secret of long life
=================
Three old men were sitting on a bench in a park, when a reporter approached them.
"I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell us your secret to long life," the reporter asked.
The three old men agreed. The first old man was asked his secret to his long life.
"I'm teetotaler, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years."
"Wow, that's really remarkable!" said the reporter. "What's your age?"
"I'm 95," said the man.
The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life.
"I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some."
"And how old are you?" asked the reporter.
"I'm 90," said the old man.
Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life.
"I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day."
"Wow!" said the reporter.
"And how old are you?"
"28," replied the man.
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Beggar's bed
===========
A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax.
After a while a dirty old beggar came up to her and said, "Good Morning luv, how about us going for a walk together now?"
"How dare you," yelped the woman, "what the hell do you think I am, some sort of cheap pickup?"
"Well then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"
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Ouststanding!
================
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots Santa standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.
He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Santa is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to our Santa and asks him, "Ah excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"
Santa replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
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nice excuse
===============
A fellow bought a new Mercedes on the Christmas eve and was out on the highway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What in the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Christmas eve. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice Christmas," said the officer.
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