Getting married in same caste..
- Thread starter riyaa
- Start date
prashantacmet
New member
"many" is not a suitable word..99 out of 100 families want to get married their children in their own caste. People with the orthodox beliefs must be hanged till death. Parents should get sentenced of 5-10 years rigorous prison if they deny a girl meeting her lover or vice versa
amitdabas22
New member
I hope you all will agree to the fact that these intercaste marriages are not happening only in our community. They are everywhere. But the fact that media is bringing out the whole issue in such light, is only aggravating the thing. I think education is a factor here and also bcoz of the upbringing girls feel terrified to discuss the issue with their parents. They choose to run away, which at that time appears an easier alternative, rather than discussing things with their families.
sanjeev_balyan
New member
Amit bhai ye baat bhi hai aur ye bhi hai ki koi ni chahta ki unke bache other caste me shadi kare.
ye sirf Haryana Haryana me ni hai balki sabhi states me hai................
Bhai simple baat hai pyar karne se pehle he dekh lo ki apni caste ki hai ya ni......
apni caste ki ho to love karo aur na ho to mat karo..........
Bolte hain ki PYAR ANDHA HOTA HAI......... per bhai itna bhi andha na hota ki kuch bhi na dikhe.......
Pyar karne se pehle apni caste, ghar walo ki conditions ka pata karo ki match hoti hain ya ni........ aise karoge to koi problem he ni aani...........
apni caste ki ho to love karo aur na ho to mat karo..........
Bolte hain ki PYAR ANDHA HOTA HAI......... per bhai itna bhi andha na hota ki kuch bhi na dikhe.......
Pyar karne se pehle apni caste, ghar walo ki conditions ka pata karo ki match hoti hain ya ni........ aise karoge to koi problem he ni aani...........
Hi Riyaa welcome to JL..... I agree with Amit Ji specially in regards to providing kids with an open and friendly environment where kids can discuss all issues with no no inhibitions with the parents . In my thread how far we have come I am exploring this issue as well. Concept of freedom for women..... But having said this it is the responsibility of children as well to discuss at length the issue at hand and not ignore parents views.... Finally coming to a common concenus.... Because this is the way to drive a change..... Running or emotionally forcing parents is not correct...
amitdabas22
New member
Vikas: you are probably right to say that people dont want their kids to marry outside their castes. This is perhaps due to the uneasiness that stays in such relations on account of different backgrounds and cultures. I have seen a couple of my friends who have married intercaste that though their wives are very intellectual and smart, they find it hard to gel with the elders in the family.
ShibaniJi: Well said for the parents view. Kids think that they are very mature at the time of making a matrimonial decision but later it turns that your own partner is not your only family. well this is still taking a different turn these days as people want to send their elders to old age homes or a separate house. God knows what else is left to come.
ShibaniJi: Well said for the parents view. Kids think that they are very mature at the time of making a matrimonial decision but later it turns that your own partner is not your only family. well this is still taking a different turn these days as people want to send their elders to old age homes or a separate house. God knows what else is left to come.
Love marriage or love at first sight are nothing more than infatuation and ecstatic sentiments which last only for a few years in most cases. Exceptions are, however, always there. In the prime time of their youth majority of girls/boys simply listen to their hearts and not their brains. After a few year the fever of love withers away and the inherent differences due to cultural and social diversities start cropping up leading to a final goodbye. Therefore, it is always advisable to find suitable match within the same social group/caste which is always long lasting. There is a kind of social bond which protects the marriages within community if the marriage has the consensus of family. Having said that, marital affair is a purely a private matter and others have no right to meddle into the affair of an individual if he/she marries outside caste. Have seen some successful couples also who married out of caste.
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upendersingh
New member
ये इश्क नहीं आसान, बस इतना समझ लीजे,
एक आग का दरिया है और डूब के जाना है.
प्यार इस दुनिया की सबसे बड़ी चुनौती है. ऐसा कहा जाता है कि इस दुनिया में प्यार आज तक किसी को भी नहीं मिला. रोजाना न जाने कितने लोग प्रेमविवाह करते हैं. इसका मतलब ये हर्गिज नहीं कि उन्होंने इश्क के आगरूपी दरिया को पार कर लिया. प्यार की दुश्मन बस ये दुनिया ही नहीं है, बल्कि इस दुनिया को चलाने वाली अदृश्य ताकत भी नहीं चाहती कि कोई बिना यह आग का दरिया पार करे सच्चे प्यार का सुख ले जाए. जो लोग बिना अग्निपरीक्षा दिए प्रेमविवाह करते हैं, वे दुनिया के कहर से भले ही बच जाएं, लेकिन तब इस दुनिया को चलाने वाली ताकत उन्हें चैन से नहीं जीने देती. उन्हें कभी कुछ, तो कभी कुछ बड़ा दुःख दिया जाता है, ताकि वे बिना संघर्ष के हासिल किए प्यार का सुख न ले सकें. जो लोग प्यार संघर्ष के बाद हासिल करते हैं, वे ठीक-ठाक जीवन बिता लेते हैं.
अंतर्जातीय विवाह नीची जाति वाले लड़के के लिए जीत की तरह है, जबकि उच्च जाति की लड़की के घरवालों के लिए एक हार की तरह. मान लीजिए कोई नाई युवक किसी जाट लड़की को प्रेम जाल में फंसाकर उससे विवाह कर लेता है तो फिर लड़की के रिश्तेदारों और आस-पास के जाटों का 4 आदमियों में बैठना मुश्किल हो जाएगा. सभी दबे मुंह ताने मारने लगेंगे-'देखे बड़े जाट, एक नाई इनकी लड़की को ले उड़ा और ये देखते ही रह गए.'
किसी पर इश्क का बुखार कुछ ज्यादा ही तेज चढ़ जाए (भले ही दोनों एक ही जाति के हों) तो फिर दोनों को अग्निपरीक्षा देने के लिए कहना चाहिए. उन्हें कुछ साल (कम से कम 6-7 साल) के लिए बिना मिले-जुले, बात किए रहने के लिए कहना चाहिए. अगर प्यार असली हुआ तो समय उन दोनों पर कोई फर्क नहीं डाल सकेगा और अगर प्यार केवल शारीरिक आकर्षण हुआ तो वे टूट जाएंगे और या तो घर से भाग जाएंगे या फिर किसी और में दिलचस्पी लेने लगेंगे. यदि वे प्यार की परीक्षा पार कर लेते हैं तो फिर उनकी शादी कर देनी चाहिए और घर-बार बेचकर कहीं और चले जाना चाहिए, साथ ही लड़की को कह देना चाहिए कि आज के बाद हमसे तुम्हारा कोई मतलब नहीं है.
कोई बिना परीक्षा दिए अंतर्जातीय या घरवालों की मर्जी के खिलाफ विवाह करने की सोचे तो फिर उन्हें यथासंभव सबक सिखाया जाना चाहिए. उनसे सब तरह के रिश्ते तो तोड़ ही लेने चाहिए कम से कम.
नोट : ये मेरे निजी विचार हैं. दूसरों के विचार अलग हो सकते हैं.
एक आग का दरिया है और डूब के जाना है.
प्यार इस दुनिया की सबसे बड़ी चुनौती है. ऐसा कहा जाता है कि इस दुनिया में प्यार आज तक किसी को भी नहीं मिला. रोजाना न जाने कितने लोग प्रेमविवाह करते हैं. इसका मतलब ये हर्गिज नहीं कि उन्होंने इश्क के आगरूपी दरिया को पार कर लिया. प्यार की दुश्मन बस ये दुनिया ही नहीं है, बल्कि इस दुनिया को चलाने वाली अदृश्य ताकत भी नहीं चाहती कि कोई बिना यह आग का दरिया पार करे सच्चे प्यार का सुख ले जाए. जो लोग बिना अग्निपरीक्षा दिए प्रेमविवाह करते हैं, वे दुनिया के कहर से भले ही बच जाएं, लेकिन तब इस दुनिया को चलाने वाली ताकत उन्हें चैन से नहीं जीने देती. उन्हें कभी कुछ, तो कभी कुछ बड़ा दुःख दिया जाता है, ताकि वे बिना संघर्ष के हासिल किए प्यार का सुख न ले सकें. जो लोग प्यार संघर्ष के बाद हासिल करते हैं, वे ठीक-ठाक जीवन बिता लेते हैं.
अंतर्जातीय विवाह नीची जाति वाले लड़के के लिए जीत की तरह है, जबकि उच्च जाति की लड़की के घरवालों के लिए एक हार की तरह. मान लीजिए कोई नाई युवक किसी जाट लड़की को प्रेम जाल में फंसाकर उससे विवाह कर लेता है तो फिर लड़की के रिश्तेदारों और आस-पास के जाटों का 4 आदमियों में बैठना मुश्किल हो जाएगा. सभी दबे मुंह ताने मारने लगेंगे-'देखे बड़े जाट, एक नाई इनकी लड़की को ले उड़ा और ये देखते ही रह गए.'
किसी पर इश्क का बुखार कुछ ज्यादा ही तेज चढ़ जाए (भले ही दोनों एक ही जाति के हों) तो फिर दोनों को अग्निपरीक्षा देने के लिए कहना चाहिए. उन्हें कुछ साल (कम से कम 6-7 साल) के लिए बिना मिले-जुले, बात किए रहने के लिए कहना चाहिए. अगर प्यार असली हुआ तो समय उन दोनों पर कोई फर्क नहीं डाल सकेगा और अगर प्यार केवल शारीरिक आकर्षण हुआ तो वे टूट जाएंगे और या तो घर से भाग जाएंगे या फिर किसी और में दिलचस्पी लेने लगेंगे. यदि वे प्यार की परीक्षा पार कर लेते हैं तो फिर उनकी शादी कर देनी चाहिए और घर-बार बेचकर कहीं और चले जाना चाहिए, साथ ही लड़की को कह देना चाहिए कि आज के बाद हमसे तुम्हारा कोई मतलब नहीं है.
कोई बिना परीक्षा दिए अंतर्जातीय या घरवालों की मर्जी के खिलाफ विवाह करने की सोचे तो फिर उन्हें यथासंभव सबक सिखाया जाना चाहिए. उनसे सब तरह के रिश्ते तो तोड़ ही लेने चाहिए कम से कम.
नोट : ये मेरे निजी विचार हैं. दूसरों के विचार अलग हो सकते हैं.
prashantacmet
New member
very very TRUE !! I cut last two lines...hahahaa
In my opinion,marriage is itself a gamble whether arranged or luv.So,parents sticking to the belief that gelling in a diff caste with diff culture is a problem doesnt seem to be genuine and proved.How sure are we in an arranged marrg that everything will be rosy just because it is the same caste?In luv marrg,may be we have a hitch over adjusting in a diff caste but the person is very well known.So,it is all upon destiny how successful the marrg is within same caste/diff one.Some intercaste marrgs go very well but some go dead.Infact,if parents support the child in intercaste marrg,the things are easier after marrg that increases the chance of good adjustment.
S
sewajat
Guest
In My opnion whether it is love marriage or arrange marriage, in both situation couple should be happy for whole life. If it is failled than whether it luv or arrange both are wrong. If you can manage it and live smoothly than you can choose inter caste marriage also. Bus kush raho raho aur khusiya bato.
Yes I agree life will be very tough in intercaste marriage for next few years and people will also talk things at the time their child marriage also. But if couple is happy and they can manage the things than you can go for intercaste marriage also. But if you are not able to manage it than marriage in same caste is also become hell for you and your family.
Its totally depends on the two person how they handle the things and hou they are behaving with others after marriage.......
Yes I agree life will be very tough in intercaste marriage for next few years and people will also talk things at the time their child marriage also. But if couple is happy and they can manage the things than you can go for intercaste marriage also. But if you are not able to manage it than marriage in same caste is also become hell for you and your family.
Its totally depends on the two person how they handle the things and hou they are behaving with others after marriage.......
Independent media is one of the core pillar of a vibrant democratic society. They are doing a good job of bring out the issues that are swept under the carpet in the name of 'culture'.
It is not about education, it is about 'awareness'. Education is an indication of knowledge but NOT the proof of it. Thats why we may have academically educated but socially/issue unaware people. Multi-level awareness for various stakeholders including parents, youngsters, execution mechanism (police, courts, etc), and society at large is needed.
So its about Awareness & empowerment (victims and enforcement people with law) and exemplary enforcement (create an example, strict punishment, strict enforcement, significant deterrent for potential perpetrators).
A society is usually what its members want it to be but it is also true that only select few provide the thought-leadership to the society most are followers. Very few provide reformative thought-leadership and those activists are the one to take the society forward in a progressive manner (as opposed to conservative, orthodox, thought-leaders who would prefer to have those youngsters killed for the intercaste alliances). Lets create positive, reformative, constructive and action-orientated thought leadership that can engage the masses (jats of hinterland), not just elite jats on internet with 'purist' views.
It is not about education, it is about 'awareness'. Education is an indication of knowledge but NOT the proof of it. Thats why we may have academically educated but socially/issue unaware people. Multi-level awareness for various stakeholders including parents, youngsters, execution mechanism (police, courts, etc), and society at large is needed.
So its about Awareness & empowerment (victims and enforcement people with law) and exemplary enforcement (create an example, strict punishment, strict enforcement, significant deterrent for potential perpetrators).
A society is usually what its members want it to be but it is also true that only select few provide the thought-leadership to the society most are followers. Very few provide reformative thought-leadership and those activists are the one to take the society forward in a progressive manner (as opposed to conservative, orthodox, thought-leaders who would prefer to have those youngsters killed for the intercaste alliances). Lets create positive, reformative, constructive and action-orientated thought leadership that can engage the masses (jats of hinterland), not just elite jats on internet with 'purist' views.
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I disagree that 'Love At First Sight' and 'Love Marriages' are one and same thing i.e. infatuation and short term ecstatic sentiments. Both are very different constructs. Love marriage does not necessarily equate to 'Love At First Sight'.
In order to investigate further, let use define the love marriage first so that we all can discuss things from a common base albeit with differing views. I am going by the following definition, all other FM (forum members) are encouraged to challenge or debate this definition and we can evolve or modify accordingly at later stages:
Love marriage entails a matrimonial alliance between two consenting adults, with or without the permission of their guardians.
I further propose to expand, yet set constraints around the definition of the love marriage in the specific context of Jat samaj of hinterland India.
Definition of Indian Hinterland Jat Love Marriage:
"A matrimonial alliance, with or without the permission of their guardians and at times wider jat khap society in case of taboo gotra are involved, between two consenting hetrosexual adults of opposing gender of any caste, creed, gotra, race and religion where at least one party belongs to rural or urban Hindu Jat community hailing from historical jat dominated hinterland of contemporary political entity of Republic of India.
Exclusions from the definition: For the sake of simplicity, I have chosen to exclude same sex relationships (not that those do not exist, to be discussed SEPARATELY, for the record Im a pro-gay hetro male), relationships involving jats moved overseas e.g. to a western country. These cases have peculiarity of their own and I suggest to discuss them in separate threads, if anyone is so inclined and if stakeholders of the site (members and mods included) are mature enough and deem it suitable to discuss such taboo subjects.
A recent doctoral level thesis <ref not provided> that studied the survivability of marriages by studying them on a longitudinal basis over multi-year span e.g. at the time of marriage, same couple were surveyed again after 5, 10, 15 and 20, years. The study concluded that survivability of marriage is influenced by few key factors, namely similarities between partners in terms of goals/life-vision/hobbies/shared-values/background, financial stablity, mutual communication and conflict resolution skills, etc. Shared culture is part of shared background hence it contributes to the shared background. But having same culture does not automatically provide sharing shared values, vision of life, hobbies and they more important for the survivability of marriage.
I will differentiate between Caste and culture. Caste does not have impact but culture does, to some extent but not as much as shared goals/vision/hobbies/background.
For example, a jat married to punjabi both hailing form dusty town (say Hansi or Meham) share more in terms of culture as opposed to Hansi-born-and-broughtup jat will ever share with another jat raised in Canberra. "Canberra Jat + Hansi Jat" couple will have less shared background including culture when compared to "Hansi jat + Hansi Punjabi" couple. Thus lesser chances of survivability of marriage.
Caveat: Study was conducted in the context of western cultures.
Interesting. lets take a look at marriage like a 'product life cycle' i.e. each product has a life cycle from design to hay days to obsolete. Another study that comes to mind was about happiness level of couple in marriage. Study found that happiness level is high in first 2 to 3 years and then drops rapidly initially and then slowly, peaking between 7 to 12 years (bulk of divorces happen around this time), this happiness level then gradually starts to pick up and restoring the same level of satisfaction at the time of marriage around 17+years. Those in old age, still married were found to be very satisfied. It is interesting to note why such fluctuation is happiness and mutual satisfaction level of couple from eachother in the marriage.
They are happy initially due to newness of relationship, younger age, lot to explore, less/no responsibility (kids, mortgages, etc).
It drops rapid when newness wears off, added responsibility of kids and mortgages, pressure from career (most are also in process of building their career, trying to move into mid level management, etc), less time for each other, higher stress levels, etc. Couples fight lot more around this time, differences becomes more prominent and tolerance reduces greatly and majority divorces happen around this time.
Then it starts to pick up again, its mainly because most couples have learn to deal with (even after adjusting for other variables e.g. career, financial conditions, responsibilities) each others idiosyncrasies for 3 key reasons (a) diff no longer exist and have found happy middle ground, (b) stopped caring about the diff and accepted the status quo and are at peace with status quo, (c) have enhanced communication skills, still have diff but communicate more and resolve better on case by case basis.
Taking a wholistic view of marriage within not just the caste but cultural context coupled with financial, personal and shared background is the key to better survivability. This is easier to understand when we accept that all marriages go through fluctuation over the life time, some of which can be generalized i.e. those who do not divorce even unhappy eventually become happy in the marriage as they find equilibrium with time.
सो बात की इक बात, अच्छी बुरी साब के गैल हो से,
खुद का खांदे हो, पैरां पे खड़े हो, तोह आपनी मर्जी की करो,
अगर माँ बाप घर परिवार आर समाज (not necessarily jat samaj but where you will live e.g. a western country) ने राजी कर के कर सकते हो तोह और भी अच्छी,
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@Riyya: I will attempt to address your original question directly. I am assuming you raised this, not merely as a topic for discussion, but to seek suggestion related to a specific problem faced by one of your close 'friend' 
If so, then please provide more info about the context while withholding the info that may identify them or their families as it is good to preserve their privacy. Info regarding their age group, educational level, career and financial standing (couple) and kind of support and resistance encountered by them.
In general, rebellion for the sake of rebellion, running away from home, etc wont be a solution, specially if the couple if not yet adult, have not yet completed their intended education, not yet financially self-sufficient. Otherwise agar mia-biwi raaji toh kya karega budha kaazi. Awaiting more specific info, in order to provide more specific advise. God bless you my dear.
Cheers!
Vishal
If so, then please provide more info about the context while withholding the info that may identify them or their families as it is good to preserve their privacy. Info regarding their age group, educational level, career and financial standing (couple) and kind of support and resistance encountered by them.In general, rebellion for the sake of rebellion, running away from home, etc wont be a solution, specially if the couple if not yet adult, have not yet completed their intended education, not yet financially self-sufficient. Otherwise agar mia-biwi raaji toh kya karega budha kaazi. Awaiting more specific info, in order to provide more specific advise. God bless you my dear.
Cheers!
Vishal
atamjeet78
New member
In my opinion.
There are two sets of people here.
First one is of age group 17-21 who are in school or colleges. Instead of paying attention to their education and building up a good career for themselves, there(mostly boys) is ladki pataani hai..if they succeed they wanted to become laila majnu of this age. They are unable to see the future, what are they foing to do without education or without job what are they going to feed to their spouse
. Movies or TV ne inka dimaag kharab kar rakha sai .. They don’t understand there is life after marriage too…there only aim is elope and get married, take police protection thinking everything will be fine after that…police roti nahi kuhavaegi vo to khood hi kama ke khani padegiii…
These are the ones who run from home and I have no sympathy for them. Their parents strongly object their marriage and they should b’cos they are feeding one nikhattu already they have to feed one more or jai eek do saal me balaak hoge to unko bhi paalo.
For them my advice is first be something be able to take care of yourself and your future family financially first and than think about marriage.
Marriagble age for girls should be 21 also.
The second group is 25 and above in job or financially stable, if this fellow choose to go for love marriage he will find least opposition unless his family has already fixed his marriage.
These people are mature enough to understand what marriage is and there are lot of example we will find within society of these marriages in last decade.
As already mentioned by members same cultural background bring more stability to marriage.
There are two sets of people here.
First one is of age group 17-21 who are in school or colleges. Instead of paying attention to their education and building up a good career for themselves, there(mostly boys) is ladki pataani hai..if they succeed they wanted to become laila majnu of this age. They are unable to see the future, what are they foing to do without education or without job what are they going to feed to their spouse
. Movies or TV ne inka dimaag kharab kar rakha sai .. They don’t understand there is life after marriage too…there only aim is elope and get married, take police protection thinking everything will be fine after that…police roti nahi kuhavaegi vo to khood hi kama ke khani padegiii…
These are the ones who run from home and I have no sympathy for them. Their parents strongly object their marriage and they should b’cos they are feeding one nikhattu already they have to feed one more or jai eek do saal me balaak hoge to unko bhi paalo.
For them my advice is first be something be able to take care of yourself and your future family financially first and than think about marriage.
Marriagble age for girls should be 21 also.
The second group is 25 and above in job or financially stable, if this fellow choose to go for love marriage he will find least opposition unless his family has already fixed his marriage.
These people are mature enough to understand what marriage is and there are lot of example we will find within society of these marriages in last decade.
As already mentioned by members same cultural background bring more stability to marriage.
This is essence of the whole issue. Ideally there should be a consensus of all the stake-holders for a marriage to be enjoyable and sustainable. In striking contrast to the western society, ours is more of a commune-based society with many stake-holders (close & remote/direct & indirect) viz. parents, brothers, sisters, mama, fufa etc. So their wishes also cannot be out-rightly rejected if we acknowledge and respect our relationship with them. The factor of commonality in shared values, customs, dialect, food habits, and social network is one of the important factors which helps maintaining marital harmony with effortless ease. As marriage is an alliance between two (heterosexual) adults, their own sentiments, likes/dislikes and mutual attraction are, of course, the most important factors in this relationship. If financially boys and girls of marriageable age are sound enough, staying outside the ambit of community in a remote place, they can enjoy more freedom in choosing their life partners without getting influenced by their families/society, irrespective of caste. The elders/outsiders have to play an advisory role in such matters as their moral duty. If the boy/girl do not find the advice worth, let them loose to fend for themselves and bear the consequences. Inter-caste marriages are getting acceptability and recognition in Jat community also -albeit at a very slow pace. But the caste barriers, which is a sick reality, will remain for generations come and; so will remain the taboo of inter-caste marriages walking along side by side. No more honour killings please.
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Hi Riyaa,
Marrige is not between a boy and girl but between two families therefore everyone's consensus is an epicentre to a happy wedding. By everyone I mean parents and siblings not the exteneded family. You can never satisfy everyone therefore dont even try.
Jo kaam bado ki blessings se kiya jata hain woh hamesha successful hota hain. Dont think I am some old school women............... I am 30 and have very progressive outlook towards life. All this advice is coming from my own personal experience....PM me and I wil be able to give you more insight.
I agree with Vijay ji once again.
Also on another note if u feel that this is what you want....please create an enviornemnt at home where constructive discussion can take place..............Maybe get MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING movie and watch it with mum and then just take her view and go from there
Marrige is not between a boy and girl but between two families therefore everyone's consensus is an epicentre to a happy wedding. By everyone I mean parents and siblings not the exteneded family. You can never satisfy everyone therefore dont even try.
Jo kaam bado ki blessings se kiya jata hain woh hamesha successful hota hain. Dont think I am some old school women............... I am 30 and have very progressive outlook towards life. All this advice is coming from my own personal experience....PM me and I wil be able to give you more insight.
I agree with Vijay ji once again.
Also on another note if u feel that this is what you want....please create an enviornemnt at home where constructive discussion can take place..............Maybe get MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING movie and watch it with mum and then just take her view and go from there