^^ JATland community mail box ^^

There was an african tribe that followed canibalism.
The chief of the tribe decides to send his son to Oxford for education so that his son could lead the tribe to a better life.
The son completes his education and returns home.
After a few years, a News Reporter decides to do a story on the son, and cover the development that might have occurred in the tribe after his education.
The moment the reporter steps into the territory of the tribe, he is captured and put in a caldron, with a fire ready to light up under him. The reporter shouts at the Oxford educated son,"You know it is not civilised to eat humans. It is against humanity. What good was that Oxford Education?"
The son of the chief says," Well, I learned to eat with fork and knife."
 
03 Minutes management lessons

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour' she replies. 'Great!' the husband
says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun
said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologised 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak'.
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the
church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and
seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you
just one wish'.
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world'. Puff!
She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life'. Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up', the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want
those two back in the office after lunch'.
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up !
Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.. 'I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
'They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise
how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
1 Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
2 Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend
3 And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

...This ends the 3 minute management course
 
aryasatyadev said:
Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour' she replies. 'Great!' the husband
says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun
said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologised 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak'.
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the
church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and
seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you
just one wish'.
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world'. Puff!
She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life'. Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up', the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want
those two back in the office after lunch'.
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up !
Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.. 'I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
'They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise
how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
1 Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
2 Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend
3 And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

...This ends the 3 minute management course
Click to expand...

hehe

couple of them new ones for me!!

good ones!
 
Indian Hell

Indian hell
An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?" Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen..." :D :D
 
sunillathwal said:
and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen..." :D :D
Click to expand...

sarkaari baabu :D


btw , it was interesting to hear from one of my friend who happened to give an driving test for license in germany (the guy is from USA) and what he told about the govt person in charge of the license etc was literally a portray of the desi "sarkaari babu " !
 
WHY INDIANS GET ATTACKED ABROAD ....A nice one to laugh and feel proud too!!

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named
Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who
said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his
hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the
People, shall not perish from the Earth?''

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'
said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history
than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: '**** the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General
Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to
the> teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little ****. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the
top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson (RIP) to the child witnesses
testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on
the floor, someone said, 'Oh ****, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar
said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th,
2008".(recession)
.__,_._,___
 
vineetaenator said:
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named
Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who
said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his
hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the
People, shall not perish from the Earth?''

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'
said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history
than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: '**** the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General
Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to
the> teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little ****. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the
top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson (RIP) to the child witnesses
testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on
the floor, someone said, 'Oh ****, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar
said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th,
2008".(recession)
.__,_._,___
Click to expand...

Nice logic...... Chanderashekhar??? an S also with his name or not
 
Great Rhymes!!

A grade 5 teacher one day asked the children in her class to make rhymes with their names.
First up was Dan. A very adventurous child.
"My name is Dan,
When I grow up to be a man,
I want to go to India and Japan,
If I can, if I can, if I can. "
"Very good", the teacher said to Dan. She then asked Sally that it was now her turn.
"My name is Sally,
When I grow up to be a lady,
I want to have a baby
If I can, if I can, if I can. "
"That is good Sally," the teacher said. "But maybe one day you will change your mind."
Next up was Glenn. He was the naughty one in the class. Here is his rhyme:
"My name is Glenn,
When I grow up to be a man,
Never mind India and Japan,
I'm gonna help Sally with her plan,
I know I can, I can, I can. " :D:D
 
Johnny Rocks....

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school .'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...


I gave him my Feviquick glue.!!!
 
akshaymalik84 said:
fred and mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to fred's mom and dad's house for their first night together.
In the morning, johnny, fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if fred and mary are up yet.
She replies, 'no'.
Johnny asks, 'do you know what i think?'
his mom replies, 'i don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'
johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'are fred and mary up yet?'
she replies, 'no.'
johnny says, 'do you know what i think?'
his mom replies, 'never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school .'
after school, johnny comes home and asks again, 'are fred and mary up yet?'
his mom says, 'no.'
he asks, 'do you know what i think?'
his mom replies, 'ok, now tell me what you think?'
he says: 'last night fred came to my room for the vaseline and i think...


I gave him my feviquick glue.!!!
Click to expand...

rotfl!!!!! :d:d
 
Carrying on in the battle of the sexes...



Subject: Men are just happier people

NICKNAMES


  • If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah
  • If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


EATING OUT


  • When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
  • When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY


  • A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
  • A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS


  • A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
  • The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS


  • A woman has the last word in any argument.
  • Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE


  • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  • A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS


  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
  • A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE


  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
  • A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP


  • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
  • A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL


  • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
  • Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING


  • Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
  • A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
​
 
Linguistics for Academicians:

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!

  • "It has long been known"... I didn't look up the original reference.
  • "A definite trend is evident"... These data are practically meaningless.
  • "While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
  • "Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study"... The other results didn't make any sense.
  • "Typical results are shown"... This is the prettiest graph.
  • "These results will be in a subsequent report"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
  • "In my experience"... once.
  • "In case after case"... twice.
  • "In a series of cases"... thrice.
  • "It is believed that"... I think.
  • "It is generally believed that"... A couple of others think so, too.
  • "Correct within an order of magnitude"... Wrong.
  • "According to statistical analysis"... Rumor has it.
  • "A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings"... A wild guess.
  • "A careful analysis of obtainable data"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop.
  • "It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"... I don't understand it.
  • "After additional study by my colleagues"... They don't understand it either.
  • "Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
  • "A highly significant area for exploratory study"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
  • "It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field"... I quit.
 
Schulz Philosophy
The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the 'Peanuts' comic strip.
You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just ponder on them.
Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4 Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.



:confused:
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies. Awards tarnish.
Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
 
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special!!
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with

:rock:rock

Easier?
The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials..
the most money...or the most awards.
They simply are the ones who care the most



Pass this on to those people who have made a difference in your life, like I did.
'Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia !

"Be Yourself. Everyone Else Is Taken!"
 
A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was Contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his Children and lost his job.

He notices a crate of empty beer bottles and walks up to it. He takes out an Empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don' t have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my Children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the Bottle, puts it aside and says….







"Stand aside my dear friend, I know you were Not Involved...."
 
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