^^ JATland community mail box ^^

Sardar rocks

Sardar: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123to know current bill status
Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.


Sardar: I think that girl is deaf..
Friend: How do u know?
Sardar: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new


Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife!
Sardar: Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!!


Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world?
Sardar: ZEBRA
Teacher: How?
Sardar: Bcoz it is Black & White


Judge: Don't U have shame? It is d 3rd time U R coming to court..
Sardar to judge: U R coming daily, don't U have shame?


Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir.


Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay "
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Sardar: "Ok.. Ombay. Ombay"


Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?"
Sardar: "All are born on government holidays...!!!


Sardar: Miss, Do u called 2 my mobile?
Teacher: Me? No, why?
Sardar: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- 1 Miss Call".
(Had never thought of it)


Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE:rock
 

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents
For a family story with a moral at the end of it, and
To return the next day to tell their stories.


In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example
First, " My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One
Day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket
On the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump
In the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the
Eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all
Your eggs in one basket.."


" Very good," said the teacher.


Next, Mary said, " We are farmers too. We had twenty
Eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got
Ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count
Your chickens before they're hatched .."


" Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with
The response so far.


Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: " My dad
Told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen
Was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got
Hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all
She had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a
Machete."


" Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.


" Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to
Prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle
Of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of
Them with the machine gun until she ran out of
Bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete
Till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten
With her bare hands."


" Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What did
Your father say was the moral of that frightening
Story?"


" Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been
Drinking..."
 
 
Prescription

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,

walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

"I would like to buy some cyanide."






The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"






The lady replied, "​
​
​
​
I need it to poison my husband."






The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed,

"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!







They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.

Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"






The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.






The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."​


 
lols nice!
akshaymalik84 said:
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,​


walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,​

"I would like to buy some cyanide."​






The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" ​







The lady replied, "
I need it to poison my husband."






The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed,​

"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! ​







They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.​

Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"​






The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. ​






The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,​

"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."​

​
Click to expand...


​
 
Customer care in 2020 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."

Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold........ .. on.......8898613561 02049998- 45-54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan
Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile
is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers? :confused:

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood
pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?" :eek:

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from
the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much
will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total
is $49.9! 9"

Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is
over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year.
That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan,
Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw
some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your
daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready.
How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always
come and collect it on your motorcycle.. ."

Customer: " What!" :tamatar

Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a
Scooter,...registra tion number 1123..."

Customer: " ????" :confused:

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing.! ... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free
bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also

diabetic.... ... "

Customer: "***%&$%%### You $##$%%@!)))" :eek::mad::eek::mad:



Operator "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you
were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman... ?"

Customer: Faints... :boxing
 
A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant.

Scared……..

She confides this ' news' to her mother.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was
the pig that did
This to you?

I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes
a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their
house; a mature
And distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably
dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and
enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother
and the
Girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has
informed me of the
Problem. However, I can't marry her because of my
personal family
Situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is
born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy
is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However,

If there is a miscarriage or unsucessful delivery , what do you suggest
I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You can try again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
 
Kuchh Triveniyan !

कुछ त्रिवेणियाँ / गुलज़ार
1.

कुछ इस तरह ख्*़याल तेरा जल उठा कि बस
जैसे दीया-सलाई जली हो अँधेरे में
अब फूंक भी दो,वरना ये उंगली जलाएगा!

2.

तमाम सफ़हे किताबों के फड़फडा़ने लगे
हवा धकेल के दरवाजा़ आ गई घर में!
कभी हवा की तरह तुम भी आया जाया करो!!

3.
कभी कभी बाजा़र में यूँ भी हो जाता है
क़ीमत ठीक थी,जेब में इतने दाम नहीं थे
ऐसे ही इक बार मैं तुम को हार आया था।

4.
वह मेरे साथ ही था दूर तक मगर इक दिन
जो मुड़ के देखा तो वह दोस्त मेरे साथ न था
फटी हो जेब तो कुछ सिक्के खो भी जाते हैं।

5.

तुम्हारे होंठ बहुत खु़श्क खु़श्क रहते हैं
इन्हीं लबों पे कभी ताज़ा शे’र मिलते थे
ये तुमने होंठों पे अफसाने रख लिये कब से?
 
sanjeevnandal said:
कुछ त्रिवेणियाँ / गुलज़ार
1.

कुछ इस तरह ख्*़याल तेरा जल उठा कि बस
जैसे दीया-सलाई जली हो अँधेरे में
अब फूंक भी दो,वरना ये उंगली जलाएगा!

2.

तमाम सफ़हे किताबों के फड़फडा़ने लगे
हवा धकेल के दरवाजा़ आ गई घर में!
कभी हवा की तरह तुम भी आया जाया करो!!

3.
कभी कभी बाजा़र में यूँ भी हो जाता है
क़ीमत ठीक थी,जेब में इतने दाम नहीं थे
ऐसे ही इक बार मैं तुम को हार आया था।

4.
वह मेरे साथ ही था दूर तक मगर इक दिन
जो मुड़ के देखा तो वह दोस्त मेरे साथ न था
फटी हो जेब तो कुछ सिक्के खो भी जाते हैं।

5.

तुम्हारे होंठ बहुत खु़श्क खु़श्क रहते हैं
इन्हीं लबों पे कभी ताज़ा शे’र मिलते थे
ये तुमने होंठों पे अफसाने रख लिये कब से?
Click to expand...

Excellent Ju..

Gulzar is one of my fav people on earth...:)
 
Laloo Prasad Yadav's car is driving along a back country road on the
way back to Patna , when all of a sudden a piglet(Baby of pig) jumps out in front of the car. The piglet dies on the spot. Laloo, upset, tells the
chauffeur to go find the owner of the piglet so that he can pay the damages.
The driver is gone for two hours and when he comes back, he has a Bag
full of money, and a wondering look on his face. Laloo wants to know
what happened.

The driver tells him " Hum jab gaanv me pahuncha to dekha kuchh log
ped ke niche baithe hain. Jub hum unko bataya ki kya hua hai, tab sare
log jama ho gaye. Humko laga ki aaj to hamari pitayee hogee. Par hum
dekha ki Sare log paisa jama kar rahe hain. Hum socha ki ye sara paisa
wo janvar ke Malik ke liye hai. Par un logo ne saara paisa hamein de
diya."
Laloo says "Sasoor ka natee, Theek theek batao. Tum unko kya bola tha?"

The driver replies " Hum kaha ki hum Laloo Prasad Yadav ka driver hoon
...
aur hum sooar ka bachcha ko maar diya hoon."
 
How to identify cities in INDIA ?? ​




Scenario 1

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who's right.

You are in Kolkata



Scenario 2

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks

On.

That's Mumbai



Scenario 3

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace. The first two get together & beat him up.

That's Delhi



Scenario 4



Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a chai-stall

That's Ahmedabad.



Scenario 5

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes he writes a software program to stop the fight. But the fight doesn't stop b'cos of a bug in the program.

That's Bangalore



Scenario 6

Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and

Quietly says that "AMMA" doesn't like all this nonsense. Peace comes in.

That's Chennai.



Scenario 7

Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on mobile. Now 50 guys are fighting.

You are DEFINITELY IN PUNJAB :rock:rock:rock:rock:rock




​
 
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his? office wondering
whom to invade next when his telephone? rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!" a heavily accented voice said,
"This is? Gurmukh from Banga, District Hoshiarpur. I
am ringing to? inform you that we are officially
declaring the war on you!"

"Well, Gurmukh," Saddam replied,? "This is indeed
important news!

How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Gurmukh, after? a moment's
calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my?
next door neighbour Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi
team from the? gurudwara. That makes eight"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you,? Gurmukh that I have
one million men in my army waiting to move on? my
command."

"Arrey O! Main kya.. " said? Gurmukh. "I'll have to
ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day,? Gurmukh called again. "Mr.
Hussein, it is Gurmukh, I'm call ing from? Banga STD,
the war is still on! We have managed to acquire? some
infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that? be, Gurmukh?" Saddam
asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a? donkey and Amrik's
tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you,? Gurmukh, that I have
16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured? personnel carriers.
Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2? million since
we last spoke."

"Oh teri ....." said Gurmukh.? "I'll have to get back
to you."

Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again? the next day.

"Mr. Hussein, the war is still? on! We have managed to
get ourselves airborne.... .. We've? modified Amrik's
tractor by adding a couple of shotguns,? sticking on
some wings and the pind's generator. Four school? pass
boys from Malpur have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute? and then cleared his
throat. "I must tell you,? Gurmukh, that I have 10,000
bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My? military
complex is surro unded by laser-guided,
surface-to-air? missile sites. And since we last
spoke, I've increased my army to? TWO MILLION!"

"Tera pala hove...." said Gurmuk,? "I'll have to ring
you back."

Sure enough, Gurmukh called again? the next day.
"Kiddan, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you? that we
have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said? Saddam. "Why the
sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Gurmukh, "we've all? had a long chat over
a couple of lassi's, and decided? there's no way we
can feed two million prisoners of wars!"
 
On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing. He approached the young man and calmly said to him,


"How much do you earn?"
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less,
"I earn Rs.2000 a month, Sir. Why?"


Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed Rs. 6000 cash and gave it to the young man and said,


"Around here I pay people 4 working, not 4 standing
Around looking pretty! Here is 3 months' salary, n
Now just GET OUT and don't come back"


The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight. Noticing a Few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner,
"And that applies for everybody in this company".
He approached one of the onlookers and asked him,


"Who's the young man that I just fired?"
To which an amazing reply came of,


"He was the pizza delivery man, Sir...!!!"
 
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